Hello Tiffy!

There is something about tonight that has me thinking. I have no idea why or what the deal is. I got into bed and I was swarmed with tons of thoughts. Thoughts mostly about death. Not macabre sad death thoughts, but tons of thoughts about deaths that have affected my life. I simply laid my head down for a few moments and the thoughts rushed to me. Thoughts about my mother’s death in 2000 (8-8-2000), and how I felt the night that I found out that she had died. I remember, the night that it happened, thinking, “I will just lie here, and think about how tomorrow, this will be less dramatic and out of place than it was today”. It was true, and every day after definitely had less drama, depression and sorrow than the day before. Soon enough, the days just kind of went on, and everything appeared to be in it’s place. After that, I then had a flashback of a few years before, when I was told my grandmother died. At that time, I was very, very sad, shocked and depressed not only that I had lost my grandma, but my mom and uncles had lost their mom, too. She was lucky to have lived a (arguably)  long full life but it seemed far too soon then. I was really close to her throughout my whole life, being the first grandchild in the family, she showered me with nothing but love and attention.  When she died,  I felt a sense of guilt, because as I blossomed into a teenager, I had personally volunteered to stop being so close to my grandma. She died the day before my 16th birthday (8-22-1997). I do not know why these thoughts are consuming me lately, I guess sometimes no matter what you do, your skeletons say hello to you once in a while. I had a snack, and I think I am able to get some sleep this time around.